Slings and arrows... (26/02/20 19:00:47)
This may turn out to be a long one. An old school illbran offering. New. Updated. Grab it while you can...
I cooked some food today. Japanese noodles. Lots of cabbage and with some sardines and leeks and garlic and peppers and noodles (of course) and haloumi cheese. And some other things. Paprika, pepper, sage, sea salt, soy sauce.
Just put a few portions away in the freezer, and I have a portion for later for 'dinner'. I've been back in to cooking curry recipes lately and also chile. I might have spelt that wrong :-}
I recently did a big shop and got about 10KG of rice and dried pasta. Lots of beans. Still vegetarian, or rather pescatarian. Normies hate me! So do vegans!
I have the window open. No, mr. smarty pants, not because of the beans. Just letting some air in. I've had the windows closed and curtains drawn for the last six months. I've spent most of it in bed as well. More on that later.
I realise how much of a narcissistic prick I must have come across to most of you. But after studying personality disorders quite in depth, I can see how some might view me that way. I'm actually the opposite of a narc, having a cluster C disorder and not being cluster B at all. Those of you with a background in psychology will know that certain traits often get confused.
I've had to get a 'street degree' in psychology to diagnose certain family members. I realised something was wrong in my life. And it was me. When I started taking responsibility for the person I was, it led me on to other things. I'm becoming more schizoid these days and that is not out of bounds with having an avoidant personality type. The two are often misdiagnosed.
Anyway, I've been doing the work. I'm still a prick of course. But eh, not all of us can be God's own very prototype never intended for mass production. ;-}
I was thinking of you all earlier when I was cooking food. I recently came across some downloads I saved when I had my internet and phone cut off for nearly two months. The UK is a fucking 3rd world hell hole if you don't live in London. Which I don't anymore.
I've given up on humanity. And humanity has given up on me. I've not had sex or held a woman for over 10 years now.
Social contract broken. I've had a long dark night of the soul lasting many years. I haven't become religious but I've gone very deep in to Hinduism and Buddhism and Christianity. I just can't believe in Man.
The kind of spiritual experience I have gone through has been well documented by the alchemists and Jung. I wouldn't expect anyone else to understand. I'm nothing. I'm a failure in life. A loser. Just hard facts.
I stood on the chair with the rope around my neck thinking I hope to fuck this thing holds. Then just as I was about to kick it away, I had a word with myself. I said: so no more tomorrows then?
And I looked in to the void.
And please excuse me for paraphrasing Nietzsche here, but it wasn't looking in to the void that frightened me, it was when the void looked in to me!
It scared the living shit out of me.
I stepped down pretty sharpish from that chair I can tell you.
Notes from the edge.
Please feel free to disengage or close the tab. Or if you are SVD post an aching rectum of gargantuan diarrhoea. It was funny the first time, and it will be funny (runny?) again...
Where was I?
Oh yeah. (remember her?).
Suicide isn't for everyone. It takes a certain kind of courage, shall we say. A courage I did not have.
Well, that's about as bad as it's got.
Though it did get worse. Hell is a never-ending pit.
I'm a certain kind of fuck-up. And I attract other certain kinds of fuck-ups.
Funny thing is I'm actually quite well-balanced. I have deep empathy for most humans. I like to help out where I can. I don't cause chaos or make people's lives worse. Funny that.
I kind of worked it all out. Took responsibility. But it was a lot more complex than that again.
e, I hope you are taking notes here. ;-]
Life got pretty shit when my brother was diagnosed with cancer.
He fought it for four years. Had his bowels ripped out and had to shit in to a bag. He still drove his motorbike though, which he left to me when he died. Here it is: https://www.scalemates.com/products/img/3/6/2/283362-11890-17-pristine.jpg
Fuck yeah, it's a beast.
I learned a lot about myself and other people through his illness. I went through it alone. My family abandoned me. I didn't just lose my brother, I lost my mother and my father too.
So if you think I was just feeling sorry for myself standing on that chair of oblivion, maybe that gives some perspective. I don't expect you to care. I don't even want you to care. Just sharing.
My brother was a full blown Cluster A Schizoid. Chronic. Textbook.
He didn't speak and was mute by the time his illness took over. This added a certain spice to the soup.
I didn't go to his funeral. I couldn't. I had developed an auto-immune disease and I was left bed-ridden, abandoned by my family and society at large. What a day that was!
It's not all doom and gloom.
After being quite ill for a few years now, I've realised that it is actually an auto-immune disorder and one that is quite easily treatable as well with a pretty good prognosis. I've not been to the doctor in years because I've been to ill. But this thing is not going away so I will make some efforts to get a new doctor in the coming days. My current doctor has a strong personal dislike for me, so that is why I didn't want to go and see her.
I found great enlightenment through drugs like LSD and Mushrooms. Only did it a few times, but it led to some interesting places. I always came back, a better person. But being ill I would recommend to everyone. It is probably the most enlightening experience a person can have. It shows you your own true character. It shows you who your friends are. It shows you how much or rather, how little your own family care (or don't care) about you.
But through all this I'm still working, doing what I do. I cry when I can and I'm thankful for those moments. Hearing of DOM's passing did bring a tear to my eye. Another one. Another ship passing in the night. Another person that probably did not care for me and almost most certainly would not mourn my passing. Yet...
This is what makes us human. And through all of this, I did find my humanity. The Buddhists call it 'Bodhicitta' and the Christians call it 'Agape'.
You can call it whatever you want.
I genuinely do not care.
If I did, I would not be writing this post.
It's not that I don't love you all.
But I see my own weaknesses and frailties and I see you see them too.
And I see you are not so forgiving. It's ok.
I'm trying to get some voluntary work to help out old people and even possibly kids as well. The Church is a new thing for me. I'm not a Christian except in a secular way. They have stewardship of my immediate family and so I feel a certain responsibility towards them. But yeah, they are a bunch of shit-heads a lot of them. But many good people too.
My brother is buried in a nice Anglo-Saxon place. The Romans had a crossroads there and there used to be quite the happening in that plot of land.
If fucking wrecked me seeing him like that. A tumour on his back the size of a fucking basketball. He didn't even recognise me the last time I clapped eyes on him. Everyone so fucking cheerful because you know, people are dying so we don't want to come across all depressed.
It stoned me to my soul.
I can't do what those angels do though in the hospice. Another breed.
I never knew just how absolutely weak and useless I was until I was faced with that. I looked in the mirror. And I didn't like what I found.
I came across fathers that had families with beautiful young girls who had been healthy only a few days earlier. Taken down, days later, gone, days after that, kids still growing up, mothers still wondering what the fuck just happened.
These things are beyond words.
Please forgive me if I have tried to articulate these things in some small way.
You can go back about your day now.
Hug the ones you love.
And be a little kinder even to those you 'hate'.
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