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Never again (28/01/15 20:51:29)
    Fuck. Too much information. You have been warned.

    I just got off my trolley yesterday.

    I've been getting bad stomach aches, every day, for the last five months.
    So the doc thought it would be good if i had a colonoscopy. I guess their reasoning and rationale was the fact that my bro just had his bowels removed and got a stoma bag. He's doing fine btw, looking good and cancer free, getting ready to resume his body building.

    So, in I go. I tried to explain I have a natural tolerance to benzodiazapenes and opiates. How do you think that went for me? yup.

    Still. I humoured them. I felt humiliated in my dressing gown and slippers. I thought of the thousands before me that I had not given consideration to. this wa my moment. to reflect.

    Nurse came in. Bit butch. Not looking very happy, bit pissed off in fact. I don't know if it was my attitude. maybe she was having a bad day. being kept waiting for over an hour flipped me out of my good nature.

    Still, I took it like a man and bent over. There was little in the way of small talk and reassurance. The pain of the first insertion was not good, but I thought if this is all there is, then I can deal with it. Little did I know..

    They gave me 75McG of Fentanyl and 3Mg of Midazolam. So, a bit of lethal injection, a bit of super smack, must be good ah? Fuck me...

    ~Shit went on for half an hour. I gripped the side of my trolley in a white knuckle ride i'll never forget. I cried. I moaned. I grimaced. I shouted out. Like a woman in her first pregnancy, not knowing what to expect. They were three women btw. I asked them if this pain was comparable to child birth and they guffawed. Ah, you have no idea, the pain you are experiencing now is NOTHING like giving birth to a child. I thought better of trying to lighten the mood after that.

    They asked me what I did. I told them. We got onto the subject of my ex making porn films in the vein of doctors and nurses. I'm not sure if that went down too well, but what the fuck, they weren't the ones being humoured on the trolley.

    The whole time I was compus mentus (ahem). I remember them thinking I was out of it with the meds, but I could hear them talking about boyfriends and eastenders and whatnot. I was a piece of meat on a slab to them. But worse.

    I cried. I moaned. I screamed. I experienced the greatest pain I have ever experienced in my life. Only once before did anyone stick something up my bum. And that was without consent. It hurt. The thought of being left in a ditch hurt more.

    I howled the place down. More pain relief please. No, you have had your maximum.

    I took it like a trooper though. And took that tube all the way up to my transverse colon, where they found an adenoma which they removed. That and another couple along the way.

    It was a bit like climbing a mountain. Getting up there is one thing, getting back down is another.

    I think I upset them. In fact I'm sure I pissed them right off. The lady who stuck that thing up my bum into my guts into my chest, didn't even say goodbye. Which I thought was a trifle rude, seeing as how much we had got to know each other.

    They said I couldn't drive because of drowsiness. WTF. I was wired to fuck. I was ready to go into the ring. I was agitated and distressed to a point i've never experienced before.

    The best part was, one of the nurses said, 'oh you probably have stomach cancer'. I'd kind of figured that out. Maybe she thought it would hurt me emotionally in some way.

    Anyway, they cut out three polyps. And said, come back in a bit for us to stick another tube down your throat, now that we have done your arse. Nice.

    I just have a knack for pissing people off. I know I'm a cunt, but still...

    Just thought i'd share.

    The stomach aches have been getting worse. Every night they wake me up. I still have not had a test to see if I have an ulcer. I diagnosed myself. I know doctors don't like this, but it's reached the stage where they kind of agree with me and wonder why the fuck the original doctor's didn't think of this first.

    So, what is the moral of this tale?

    Well, if you have a colonoscopy planned, make sure you got some good drugs for after. Yes, your arsehole will hurt like fuck, but the damage to your psyce might take longer to repair. Me? I feel right as rain. Just goes to show nothing was done wrong. No damage done. Just a totally inadequate dosage of painkillers for pain relief.

    They treat you like a little baby and bully you on one hand, then just ignore and dismiss you on the other.

    I know I really pissed those nurses off. It really fucking annoyed them while little old wimpy me screamed on my trolley. Aahhwww, poor little nurses. And they let me know.

    That was their day.

    Tomorrow shall be mine.

    The next time (in 3 years time) someone sticks something up my arse all the way to my chest through fucking miles of colon, it shall be a man. He might be a beast too, but we pays our money and we takes our chances.

    There, all better now.


    eh eh.

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Never again